Nia Vardalos / Eve

By Nick Mayhew

So the Republicans took the government this week? They haven't been this far on top since Reagan announced he was delusional.

And if I may get off on a rant too soon here, the Republicans used that faulty tactic known as 'war' to motivate worthless Americans to vote for them. It was a long fight for the Dems; we had to face the uphill battle of the Repubs using the war as a gaining ground by claiming that Dems were terrorists. The only terrorist that I see in this country is George W. himself; we can surely look forward to the dismantling of the economy that we saw 10 years ago, war debt, and a lack of national unity. The country is more split apart than a Pamela Anderson tang-top while bending over. And the tax cuts that he gave out was the biggest mistake of his presidency, I think. He could've easily used that to lower the surplus or pump it into the economy; or God forbid, use it to teach some illiterate fucks living in Florida where the only form of education they get is how to surf and put a condom on. Sure, I would've loved for Carl McCall to win here in New York, but that had about as much of a chance as a nerd and cheerleader hooking up. The point is, all of you blame the Clinton administration for the current economic crisis, and claim Clinton gave to much to senior citizens or to the Welfare System. Well, you know what I say? Fuck you, because you know damn well that Clinton had started the economic prosperity after it was left in shambles after the Bush Sr. years. He pumped it into schools, healthcare, education, and reform. He did more good for this country than a Michael Bolton album. Bush should've used the tax cut money in a more respectable manner and not blow it all off like an Anna Nicole Smith Old Man Fest. Just keep in mind that Repubs are focused on the war right now, and unlike us, neglect to open their minds to domestic issues, so suck on that.

I'm glad I got that off my chest.

The mailbag this week was drier and tighter than Janeane Garafolo's chapped lips. So I digress.

Let's see what's new in the world this week. Jennifer Lopez is engaged to actor Ben Affleck, the singer-actress revealed during a television interview to be aired later this week. Yea, apparently Affleck will have a normal Bachelor Party, but J-Lo will have two; one for her and one for her large ass.

Rapper Eminem's movie, 8 Mile, was number one at the box office this weekend. When asked how he came up with the movie title, Eminem said, "8 miles is the total number of miles I've ran from the police."

A 78-year-old former nun was sentenced to eight months in jail for spanking children with a wooden paddle in her care at a provincial commune. The nun said had she had time, she would've used that paddle to have sex with the children. 

A plan to sell turtle shells from a Cayman Islands breeding farm as tourist trinkets has set Britain at odds with environmental groups at a U.N. conference on endangered species. The next meeting will focus on the concerns of who gives a shit?!

When's the last time that you sat down with your family? It seems to become increasingly difficult with so many activities; going to school, work, sports, social life, and masturbating at your own leisure. Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but today's American family is going through more combinations than the guy from "Memento" trying to open his gym locker. Today, we have step-parents, half-brothers, surrogate mothers, first wives, foster kids, and adoptive parents. It's gotten to the point where you can send your lover into a 30-minute mid-fuck quandary simply by shouting, "Who's your daddy?"

Even companies recognize the power of family. They're always using the term to create a more intimate bond with their customers. Sure, you're family at the Olive Garden, until you ask them for a loan or try to get them to watch your kids while you go away for a long weekend.

With longer life expectancies, many parents these days also have to take care of their own elderly parents. This phenomenon is called by a variety of names, "the sandwich generation," "dual responsibility" "multi-generational caretaking," or in many cases, simply "payback's a bitch." "You go right up to your room and think about what you've done."

There's a growing trend of stay-at-home fathers and working mothers. Dad changes the diapers, does laundry, drives the car pools and takes the kids to their doctors' appointments. What I don't like is the reverse machismo these guys foist on you, like they're more evolved because the woman works. Hey, you are the stay-at-home dad because you went to a little college in Northern Vermont and studied ethnic puppetry while your wife got an MBA from Wharton, you zucchini-bread-baking half-man.

We must admit that not every "nontraditional family arrangement" is beneficial for the kids. Take Tarzan, for example. He's raised by chimpanzee parents who are off in the trees all day, constantly throwing their own shit at each other. As a result, he spends his adult life having major intimacy issues with Jane, but never develops the communication skills to come clean and say to her, "It not you - it me." The media is notorious for making us feel inadequate by raising our expectations and constantly barraging us with images of the perfect, ideal family unit. Damn you, "Spy Kids II"!

Even among TV families, you'll find more unconventional arrangements than in a flower shop owned by Picasso. From "Raising Dad" to "Gilmore Girls" to "The Bernie Mac Show," there are so many familial variations, it comes as kind of a breath of fresh air to see a normal, healthy, nuclear family like "The Osbournes." It's gotten to the point where kids watch the Osbornes and think their parents don't love them because they never say "fuck" in front of them. What is strange to one family is normal to another. Nothing freaks out Anna Nicole Smith's kid like watching episodes of Leave It To Beaver... Say, come to think of it, isn't "Leave It To Beaver" what Anna Nicole Smith's old guy husband wrote in his will?

The key to raising a happy family is rolling with whatever life throws at you. I have no objection to both parents working if it's the only way to put food on the table. Yet, I can't help but wonder if maybe the kids are missing out on something. Maybe one parent could work longer hours so the other doesn't have to. Or better yet, make the kids find work so both parents can stay home. Like I said, parenting is all about rolling with it.

The truth is, the secret to building the ideal American family has nothing to do with gender or genetics or color. It has to do with the capacity for love and understanding. It's honesty and a sense of fairness. It's the ability to acknowledge mistakes and a willingness to correct them. Oh, and money, shitloads of and shitloads and shitloads of money.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com

Tonight's guest stars in the widely known film, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Please welcome Nia Vardalos.


[COLD OPENING] George Bush adds numbers

Well, Lorneio decided to give this another shot, and he also apparently listened to Ferrell's advice and had Parnell tone down the makeup. He looked much more like Bush this time. A well written sketch too, I might add. I dug it. I knew he was gonna mess up the numbers, and when he showed us his dirty hand, well, that was scrumtrulescent. Decent to say the least.

RATING: 8/10

[MONOLOGUE] Nia Vardalos

So, Nia's greek, and that's wicked cool. This definitely had "Fey written" all over it. And it was too funny. Short, but still made me laugh. Probably the best monologue of the season. 

RATING: 8.5/10

[COMMERCIAL] Swiffer Sweepers

You see, I enjoyed last season with the abundance of new commercials. This year, it seems that it will be rare to see new ones. 

[SKETCH] Bloater Brothers

I like the Brothers; they remind me so much of my life. Actually, they remind of these two kids in school, and not joking, one of them is named Bob Baron (no, not the Leafs fan who should be Rangers fan, that we know). The kids a weirdo too, that which both share. OH TAG! So, this skit bit the nail and was really funny, even then previous ones, which is tough with these cause you know what to expect, but this one was just better written. Gets a thumbs up.

RATING: 8/10

[SKETCH] CBS News: Dan Rather covers the election

DEAN! Wow- I almost soiled myself when I saw him, though it was just a picture. But anyways, they put Seth and Hammond in a sketch together, and that just reeks of coolness, because the two of them are wicked funny together. Nia plays the nerd, and blah blah blah we get the point, but the sketch was really made when Seth spoke. Too funny. 

RATING: 9.5/10

[SKETCH] The Waxing Lady

This was also a Fey sketch. This was fregginnnnn ridiculously funny. Props to the SNL camera crew for not showing any more of Rachel's body than we had to see. Not much of a dialogue, just a really good sketch.

RATING: 9/10

[MUSIC] Eve

This just reeked of badness.

RATING: 1/10

[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

SETH! This WU really rocked. Jokes were all good and Seth's commentary was amazing. I liked how he tied the Mad TV joke in there too. The Times Square Crab and Felicity jokes had to be the best, and the Celebrity Walk thing was cool too. An even better Update.

RATING: 9.5/10

[SKETCH] The Ferey Muhtar Talk Show

The last installment of this really wasn't funny aside from Darrell's stache falling off. This however, wasn't terrible. Darrell was big pimpin with Nia, and that's cool. The format of the show reminded me of the old Johnny Carson days with Ed and the gang.

RATING: 6.5/10

[SKETCH] The Falconer

This wasn't too amusing. A laugh or two.

RATING: 3/10

[SKETCH] Pier 1 Imports

So, yea. They save the good stuff till the end. Boo. This was pretty humorous, and Horatio is a klutz.

RATING: 9/10

[SKETCH] Missy Elliot

Tracy reeks of hilarity when he makes fun of fat black women. No exception here. Lots of laughs here, a bit of vomit from Jeff stripping, but nonetheless, a good sketch. Now, if only they had Amy play Jeff's part in these sketches, speaking of which, there's no Amy tonight? What's a teenager to do?

RATING: 8/10

[SKETCH] Lawyers

Some filler for the end. Maya's the new bitch by dubbing Rachel. Suck on that.

RATING: 6/10

[SKETCH] Community Access

DEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! A real good sketch to end the show.

RATING: 7.5/10


SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: CBS News: Dan Rather covers the election

PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Rachel Dratch

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Nia Vardalos as the waxing lady: "Honey, you got Robin Williams' forearms in your panties."


OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 72/100

Well, this faired to be a very good show, despite not that big of an actress hosting, but man, did she put on an awesome show. Oh yea, and hopefully this review comes out somewhat coherent because I'm working 32 hours this weekend, and I'm dead tired. That's queue to break out the violins. Next week is Brittany Murphy and Nelly. May the charm be with them.

Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here…